Several years ago (I don’t know how many, but it was more than ten), my oldest brother’s garage had a void under the concrete pad (floor) of his garage. We could see it as a black, empty space when looking through the 3/4 inch gap between the edge of driveway and the garage pas itself.
Our Dad was out visiting from NH and together we all took on the project of using ready-mix concrete (just add water) to fill in the gap and thereby shore up the pad itself to reduce the risk of it collapsing and swallowing cars or water buffalo.
Note: My brother did not have any water buffalo at this time. But it just seems like water buffalo would not benefit from falling through a collapsing concrete garage pad. Although he has since moved to Florida, and I cannot visually confirm, I am confident that my brother continues not to have any water buffalo in his care.
Also note: No water buffalo were harmed in the creation of this post.
Also also also note: While this post will discuss some very challenging emotions, I am safe right now.
The Plan
Our plan was to mix the concrete and pour it through the 3/4 inch gap between the driveway and the garage pad to fill in that black hole underneath. We went to Home Depot and picked up a couple 50-lb bags of concrete mix. We mixed in water from a garden hose and proceeded to pour/push it into that 3/4 gap. Getting the mixed concrete through that gap was way more of a pain in the ass than it sounds. You see, properly mixed concrete doesn’t flow as freely as water, so it took effort to make sure the concrete went into that gap rather than just gathering in a blob on the driveway.
After the first bag, there was no visible change to the hole. That concrete was just swallowed without having any effect we could detect. So, we mixed another bag and repeated the process. The result was the same: nothing. After another trip to Home Depot to get several more bags of concrete mix, we repeated the process again, several times. The result was the same: nothing.
Home Depot. More concrete. Mix. Pour/push. Still no change. We had been at it for hours at this point.
The Understatement
My Dad just peered into the gap, which, other than concrete residue around the gap, looked just like it had when we started: a black hole. He calmly took his cigarette out of his mouth and just said, calmly, “Oh my good word…” We all just started laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation and the spot-on, highly technical assessment of the situation my Dad had provided.
When the project was done, we had ended up using 1150 pounds of dry concrete mix in filling that hole, all of it pushed through that 3/4 inch gap over the course of several hours and several trips to Home Depot. According to some basic searching online, an adult water buffalo can weigh up to about 1200 pounds, although some larger ones have been seen. That means, we used approximately 1 water buffalo of dry concrete mix in the completion of this project.
When I mentioned water buffalo in the intro of this post, it was just an attempt at fun (see below). The fact that the amount of dry concrete we used here aligns with the weight of 1 water buffalo is purely accidental. That said, I’ll take it as a much-needed win.
The Black Hole
From a mental health perspective, I am dealing with two major issues right now:
- Anhedonia: An inability to experience pleasure; having little interest or enjoyment in doing things
- Dysphoria: An overall mood state of unease, dissatisfaction, or hopelessness.
It is not uncommon for folks like me that struggle with Depression or other mental health challenges to experience anhedonia and/or dysphoria as symptoms. I am experiencing both at the moment.
These two assholes prevent me from getting any joy out of things that usually make me happy AND make me feel certain that this state will continue forever.
My brain is currently a black hole, sucking in and destroying anything that gets near it. Like the void under my brother’s garage pad, it feels like no amount of enjoyment will ever have an effect to make me feel better. I can pour in as many Water Buffalo of concrete I can get my hands on, and it won’t matter.
I am going through each day doing things more out of habit than because they make me feel good. I enjoy coffee. I am having coffee, but not enjoying it. I am eating (although less than usual), but not enjoying what I eat. I love my family and am spending time with them. But I am getting no enjoyment out of it (despite some laughter). My family is not doing anything wrong and my feelings for them have not changed, I just can’t capture the light they provide to me.
Both Sides, Now
I have Joni Mitchell’s beautiful song, Both Sides, Now, in my head as I write this. I think it is because I have both tried to help someone who is experiencing these symptoms (and struggled to understand why I couldn’t help) AND experienced these symptoms myself. In the past, I have been the concrete; currently I am the void.
Whether you are the concrete, the void, or even a water buffalo, please know that you are NOT alone. There are people that understand. I am one. There is no guarantee that tomorrow will be better than today. But it CAN be. It’s worth making another trip to get more concrete. And if that isn’t enough, it’s worth it to make another.